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How to help your partner with jealousy and why it’s not worth it.

I was dreaming of the past
and my heart was beating fast
I began to lose control
I began to lose control
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I’m sorry that I made you cry
Oh my I didn’t want to hurt you
I’m just a jealous guy

- John Lennon, Jealous Guy

Photo by Kyle Head on Unsplash

your compassionate, loving, and understanding persona believes you can help your jealous partner change, think again. And I will tell you how it works from my own experience.

At first, you are flattered by him being jealous convinced that this means he really cares about you. It makes you feel special and important but very soon you are starting to see that something is not quite right. However, because you’ve invested your feelings in this person you want to find the cure. You want to fix THEIR problem with jealousy.

And so you search articles that give you instructions on how to help your jealous partner. You want to understand the problem and where it is coming from. You will learn that it’s his insecurity and a fear of being abandoned. You’ll read that in order to support him you need to calm him down when he loses control over his emotions and accuses you of betrayal. You mustn’t take anything he says personal, especially when he shouts at you, overusing the f-word. You should talk to your partner and comfort him when he gets anxious. After all, he loves you he just sees a threat in everyone you talk TO or ABOUT.

I was feeling insecure
You might not love me anymore
I was shivering inside
I was shivering inside
Oh I didn’t mean to hurt you
I’m sorry that I made you cry
Oh my I didn’t want to hurt you
I’m just a jealous guy

And so you implement all this great advice. You are patient, understanding, and loving. You even manage to set boundaries and stand up for yourself when he crosses the line or makes a scene in public. And because he apologizes and tells you how much he appreciates your loving attitude towards his jealousy, you believe things will EVENTUALLY get better.

Walking on eggshells

ou can never predict when and why his next jealousy attack will happen. You want to be yourself around people but slowly you shut down and avoid too many interactions with others. You don’t look around so you wouldn’t be accused of looking at someone you didn’t even notice. You start to feel stressed and tense around him but ignore these signs.

You convince yourself that times you have together between his jealousy attacks are so great that worth the pain and discomfort. Occasionally he makes an effort to get better and work on his problem, which he proudly points out. But you are already conditioned into feeling fear that he might get upset with you when you least expect it. Things are great when you go to bed in the evening but in the morning he questions your behaviour from the night before.

What happens then is you start to think that maybe it is you. Maybe IT IS your behaviour that triggers his jealousy. Maybe YOU ARE too friendly with people. Maybe it is YOUR FAULT people like talking to you too much. Maybe he’s right and it is YOU who is the bad one.

They don’t see you.

he problem is, the person who is jealous of you doesn’t actually SEE you. They are too focused on watching out who is looking AT you or who YOU are looking at and so they just don’t see you AT ALL. They don’t see how great you are, how much you love them, and how dedicated to this relationship you are. They only focus on ‘threats’. You can be the most wonderful person in the world and doing your best to make them happy and yet, they will not see it. Because they don’t pay attention to you! They are too obsessed about what you MIGHT be looking at or who might be looking AT you, while they don’t even notice you! And so instead of having a great time with you, they will be observing the surroundings, not you.

And the real reason behind this is: they are afraid of genuine intimacy with you or in general.

They are too scared to be close with you that’s why they shift their focus to the outside world and are not present in your relationship. If they wanted real commitment they would focus on you and on making you happy, safe, and loved. Instead, they create imaginary scenarios of you checking others out or secretly having ‘a thing’ with EVERYONE around you.

If they truly loved and cared about you they would actually be with you. By being constantly jealous they push you away further and further because they are not willing to commit and to have an intimate relationship.

How their jealousy affects you

hen I discovered this, everything made complete sense. I remember that at some point I actually felt invisible to my partner. When he did pay attention to me I felt trapped, controlled, and most importantly not trusted. What’s even worse, I got into paranoia myself. I started to think that if he is jealous it means I can’t trust him either. And so I started looking at who he might be looking at! It was exhausting, stressful, and took all the joy from me. I was so angry that he could not see how I only wanted him. I was frustrated he doesn’t appreciate me and is constantly distracted by the people around us. I eventually was too scared to keep my head up and when I chatted with people I wasn’t relaxed because I was concentrating on not being TOO friendly.

And yes, this is ridiculous and crazy.

A healthy amount of jealousy is ok. I was never really a jealous person. I trusted my partners and I also believed if they wanted to cheat on me they would. On the other hand, seeing other people looking at my partner would make me appreciate him even more, not less. I would feel great knowing that this person has chosen me over others.

Having these feelings made me realise that their jealousy comes from a place of low self-esteem and high insecurity. Not believing and not trusting your partner signifies that love happens from a place of fear. It means it’s clingy and controlling. It also represents a lack of self-love.

If you found yourself in a relationship with a partner who is extremely jealous remember: this is not love. If they don’t take any real actions to fix their problem, there’s nothing you can do yourself. Things will only get worse.

Be with someone who values you completely and who sees you the way you’ve always wanted to see yourself.

I write for the love of exploring and embracing new things, ideas and activities. You can find me here: www.gradowa.com

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